I Am Mine....

There have been so many things that I could have and wanted to blog about recently, but it would’ve been self indulgent whining and that’s not really fair. 

As I type this I am snuggled on my sofa in my PJ Canadian tour hoody thinking ahead to the summer. It will be the start of my 'summer' holidays, which for me, means gigs. I’ve never really been one to sit on a beach for two weeks. I love to see and do things when I visit places, and ‘touring’ as it were, has given me the opportunity to do this in recent years. 

At beginning of June there’s a short hop to London to see The Gaslight Anthem. I’ve liked this band for ages, but it’s only in the last 12 months or so I’ve found myself increasingly listening to them. Brian Fallon has a wonderful tone to his voice, and he’s pretty to look at too!  (Ooh yes indeed he's a skinny tattooed rock star man)

In mid June I head north toward Manchester. Chris Cornell at the Lowry is the first stop, the ticket is a kind birthday gift from a friend, and I really appreciate it. I have never seen him solo before and we’ve great seats, plus it seems like most of the audience are going to be fellow PJ fans. It all adds up to the likelihood of a good night (and a pretty good birthday celebration) in my book. 

I’m not quite sure what I will do in the intervening time before seeing PJ but it makes no sense to trek back home for 48 hours so I will have to amuse myself somehow/somewhere. The Dalai Lama is in Manchester for those intervening days, but only doing one public talk I think, I've read his book and found it interesting so it would be good to hear him speak.

There are two PJ shows at Manchester Arena and I’m looking forward to seeing some friends, meeting new people and feeling that ‘I’ve seen Pearl Jam’ sensation. Lets be honest I could wax lyrical about this, but there is little point as I will write about it after! There is one thing, I so wish I was going to the Isle of Wight festival, and I am pretty jealous of those who are. Despite my aversion to tents, on the whole it would be nice to do the festival thing, and I think the crowds there will be treated to some special collaborations. Mind you, if it is hammering down with rain, I will be glad of watching on the tele! 

The beginning of July heralds an Eden Session with Frank Turner as the headliner, and with Seth Lakeman and Bellowhead on the bill, you may think I am sqweeee-ing with delight, and you’d be right. Apart from..... I shall be in Berlin by the time he takes to the stage in St Austell, so those attending will have so sing loudly on my behalf! 

I am looking forward to returning to Berlin, I’ve visited the last couple of years now and always find it an interesting and vibrant place. Others travelling for the gigs haven’t been before so it will be interesting to see what they think of it, and if they have the same mistaken pre-conceptions. Staying on Alexanderplatz at least I’ll know where I am...just head for the tv tower. It's a shame the gigs aren't at Wuhlheide, that is a pretty special venue but I guess we've now the challenge of making the arena special too.

Stockholm, well what can I say, I’ve wanted to go there for ages, it's on the bucket list. I don’t know why but it always seemed quite magical. I am really excited about visiting and whilst I will not be there long I hope it will allow me time to experience the city. I may not however be experiencing much alcohol at the scary prices mooted.

Now, if I had written this last week as planned I would be saying there is an Eddie Vedder solo tour... But I am not entering for tickets, and I didn’t enter for tickets. I just wibbled like you wouldn’t believe after the deadline had passed for not doing so. My fab friends came to the rescue with a number of routes to take to get tickets, and one very kindly offered me his spare, so this princess shall go to the ball (in Manchester)! 
After all of this I will be beholden to my bank manager for the foreseeable future - eek.

As I alluded to at the beginning of this, I’ve had a little phase where I couldn’t see the wood for the trees. My tendency to worry and to self doubt had been once again been getting the better of me.  

On top of the EV spare offer and the fab early birthday gift, I have been reminded just how lovely people can be after receiving a surprise. It was in the form of a poster tube containing three art prints of Pearl Jam, which are great. As it made me smile, I thought again about how Pearl Jam fans really are some of the best people you can find. It is this and having such great friends close by, that makes me look forward seeing the wood. 

I know that I really need to stop letting people, or my perceptions of people’s actions get the better of me. Hey, if they want to behave in a certain manner then that’s up to them, karma is all encompassing. I am the only one who can prevent how they make me feel and I am lucky to have so much else in my life, I don’t need to fight for people’s acceptance. I just have to remember that!
Ahead of me are good things.

I know I was born, and I know I will die, the in between is mine. I am mine.

A Canadian Adventure...

I have to say, Canada has always been on my list of places I wanted to visit, more so than America really (mind you, if anyone wants to whisk me away to Seattle, New York or Boston then just shout, I have a passport and ESTA clearance!). Pearl Jam playing a Canadian tour directly after PJ20 kind of sealed the deal for me in going over. 

Flying from Chicago to Montreal, I was sat next to a Texan going on a shooting tour. He was older guy, a mountain of a man, who was happily telling me about the guns he had in the hold. It was the strangest conversation but should I expect anything less!

Montreal airport turned out unexpectedly to be a meeting point for me and a few other PJ fans, always a good thing. I immediately liked this place.

My room here was the funniest thing; a bathroom with a bed in it is possibly the best way to describe it! But it was self contained and clean! There were already various tales of lost luggage but everything of mine was present and correct when I arrived.

Montreal was great, an amazing city which I got to share with pretty awesome company. A merry band of a couple of Scots, an Aussie, an Englishman and various others amongst the party! I loved the mix of old and new, Europe and North America blended into a vibrant centre and I also didn’t feel so bad when even the Frenchman with us struggled to be understood!

The first night involved dinner with a couple friends at a restaurant, and included an invitation to sit in on the Pearl Jam radio phone in show the next day. This was to be a day where I played hairdresser and bleached a friends jet black hair to an interesting shade of orange before we picked up our tickets and headed for the pre party, my first of this tour.

The pre-party concept is a strange one, my experience of them in Europe is that because we have GA, they are held the night before and are generally merry (drunken) gatherings. Across the pond they were more structured and on the day of the gig, the structure is partially because of the link to the fundraising of Wishlist foundation, but they are equally jolly affairs and a great place to meet new people. 

As per the invitation from the previous evening, a couple of us headed across to a hotel to sit in on the radio show broadcast. It was great to see the show in full swing, to listen to the callers and scarily, speak on air!

I loved the Montreal show, the seats we had were great (especially as other people in the row didn’t show up) and my ticket buddy was passionate and hilarious (interpretive dancing to PJ will never seem the same again!). The band seemed to be enjoying themselves. It was certainly a brilliant way to kick off the Canadian tour and the rest of the crowd were smiling as much as me upon leaving the venue.

The last day in Montreal was spent exploring, chatting, relaxing and seeing a friend eat the most massive smoked meat sandwich anyone can ever imagine!

Toronto beckoned; we took the train in order to try and see more of the country, there were a lot of fields...and a lake I swear could be an ocean as I saw no land on the other side! In Toronto we were being joined by another Brit, a PJ friend who I bizarrely met through my liking of Band of Horses; she was to be my roomie for the next few shows. It also became apparent that whilst others had had luggage lost getting to Montreal, I had just left some of my stuff there before getting to Toronto. I really am rubbish sometimes! 

During an initial meander through the city, (trying to find the biggest bookshop in the world - which we failed to find on that attempt) I gathered that Toronto had a buzz about it. The buzz was a bit of an odd one, I put this down to the Toronto Film Festival happening, there seemed to be a lot of media ‘in the know’ types about.

PJ20, the Cameron Crowe documentary was being shown twice during this fim festival. I really wanted to go, but had no ticket to either screening. For us instead of the première, we headed to Niagara Falls. Niagara was somewhere I really wanted to go, I love waterfalls and rainbows but I have to say initially I was not enamoured. The area built up around them is, umm, tacky and in some parts desolate! The Falls themselves are indeed marvellous, I loved the Maid of the Mist and it was great to add some more friends into the mix who joined us whilst we were there. It was a pretty long day, but a good one.

Back in Toronto, show day approached and we ventured to the top of CN tower to see the city from above, it was really good to spend such relaxing time with great friends. From there another ace pre-party was calling and then, the first of the two Toronto shows...

OK, I could wax lyrical about this show, filling an entire page. For me, this was THE show or the shows, it was pure elation. Toronto 1 was not the longest of sets, not full of rarities, I was not front row.  It was just great, a set including the ‘Man’ trilogy amongst others and progressed, for me,  to hit immense status when I got to see Pearl Jam perform Mother Love Bone’s Chloe Dancer/Crown of Thorns and then an awesome version of Rockin in the Free World with Neil Young! The band were absolute loving it, you could feel their sense of joy.

I left that venue, feeling amazing, on a complete rush, still hyper hours later. To be honest thinking back about it has made me feel happy, as I type this, I’m grinning.

The fact music can produce such emotion it a pretty special thing, something that often gets forgotten about in our day to day lives and the current social obsession with instant gratification.

As I mentioned, the PJ20 film had two showings during the film festival. We chose Niagara over the premiere, and I had hoped to get tickets to the second showing but until the morning of the screening still had not managed it. Now, I had made it pretty clear how much I wanted to go, however I didn’t expect a friend to get up at stupid o clock in the morning, walk to the box office and manage to get three of us last minute tickets. That gesture meant a lot to me, it still does. So, I got to see the film, in Toronto, surrounded by PJ fans, oh and Eddie Vedder and Neil Young! That was kinda cool!

Toronto night 2 was another night of grinning, and a bit of crying (Light Years), it was a brilliant set, so many good songs and the atmosphere was great in that venue. It maintained the high of the previous night. I loved those Toronto shows so much. I got to see them with good people even if we were seated all over the place! Everyone seemed to have that same sense of happiness and joy after those shows.

I wish that I could have either of those nights again, in a GA crowd with all my PJ friends, you could pretty much give up on me there and then, I’d be done! I’d have had pretty much the highest high.

Our Scottish friends and others left us at this point, what an ace ending to their tours!

Another train took us to Ottawa, and to a sweet little B&B which was to be our home for the next couple of days. Ottawa, I have to say, underwhelmed me. I think being the capital I expected, well I’m not sure, but it seemed a very innate place. Everyone was lovely, but it was neither buzzing nor relaxing. Some of the architecture was very pretty, the parliamentary buildings felt like scaled versions of those in London and the tales of winter snow and ice were enamouring. It just felt like it needed an adrenalin shot.

The show was in a venue not designed for people travelling without a car, and getting there seemed like a triumph in itself! In order to give back to the Wishlist Foundation for all the pre-parties, I decided to buy a show poster and donate it to the raffle...which was then won by one of my friends, sods law! :D 

After the highs of the previous gigs, Ottawa had a lot to live up to, and whilst there is never a bad Pearl Jam gig, this one didn’t, for me at least, make the level set previously. The band tried hard to engage the crowd but it just didn’t seem to work at times. There were people in my row who hardly stood during the show and others who were quite blatantly checking emails and facebook. That’s a hell of an expensive night out to check your emails! Even Eddie seemed annoyed with elements of the crowd. However, there was a great dedication to the guys from Wishlist and the band as always put on a great set.

The bus back to town was awful, overcrowded and actually quite dangerous. I was relieved for us all to get off safely to be honest. It did put a dampener on the time I’d spent there.

After an early morning goodbye and thank you for being awesome to my roomie friend, I was on the way Hamilton. I wasn’t going to go to this gig, it was a late addition in the planning, but my ace film enabling mate was going and had a spare ticket! I am so pleased I went to the Hamilton gig, it perked me up after Ottawa, provided the perfect closure to my trip. The gig was great, the band seemed so ramped up and the people I met at the pre/post parties were truly awesome. I definitely made some good friends that night, whom I hope to meet again.

My somewhat weary self was ready to come home after seven gigs (including PJ20). I loved my first trip across the pond, it was great to see new surroundings, see shows in new places and experience new ways of doing things. If I was to name one of the places in Canada I visited that I’d like to return to, it would be Montreal.

The seated shows I did get used to but I still prefer GA, apart from the rest during the encores at the latter shows (I’m such an old woman!) and the anticipation and excitement of ticket collection. I never expected to win the lottery, and my 10C number is shockingly high, but to see fans crying when given tickets in first or second row was cool. That opportunity meant so much to them and that experience would stay with them. I have to be honest, I did miss the raucous nature of GA, I missed not being part of a collective during the gigs but I was very lucky to have great ticket buddies and to meet good people along the way.

I never expected a desire to see a band taking me on transatlantic flights, it hardly seems real that I went. Sometimes I look at the photos I took over there and have to remind myself it was me who took them. I want to go back to Canada, I would love to see the other coast, Vancouver etc, so it isn’t fully removed from my travel list but this trip did make me feel like I’d accomplished something. Life has a way of changing the path you think is laid out ahead, following that new path could take you to a place in your life you hadn’t thought you’d reach, in my case this trip was part of that.

A Question of Happiness...

A conversation last night with a friend has led me to thinking, this as you will know is not always a good thing. Despite my general aptitude to positivity, I am also naturally suspicious and maudlin. I’d not seen my friend in a while and our conversations reflected that. She kept asking me if I was happy, truly happy. I’m fine was not an appropriate answer apparently, nor was yes I’m happy... she persevered. 

The more she did, the more difficult it was to answer her. 

I am happy, I have an amazing and supportive family, friends who mean the world to me, I have a good job, I work with good people, I live in a great place and I think I am thoughtful and generally a good person. 

But there are always things in life that you’d improve and change. Confidence and fear are probably mine. I am insecure, it’s a deep rooted thing. Whilst I would love to blame that on my ex, I can’t, his behaviour just didn’t help the situation. I find myself seeking reassurance when often my instinct is right anyway. 

I’m comfortable that I am not the best girl, that I do not tick the normal boxes for blokes and nor do I live in an episode of Sex and the City or Friends. That's just life. My confidence levels vary daily, I'll be honest they vary throughout the day and I often over analyse things, I look for reason and excuses. I am very good at putting on a front of confidence though. I do like myself more than I used to (and to say that aloud is very strange) and I don’t feel the need to change me for other people to like or to accept that I am a human version of marmite.

I am often told off by those closest to me for putting other people first, I class it as treating others how I wish to be treated. A PJ friend the other day posted this phrase - Never allow someone to be your priority while you're just their option. This applies in so many situations, and maybe I should take heed. 

You know, deep down I  just want an easy life, no games, no dramas. I want to have fun, to smile, to know and spend time with good people, to love and to be loved. Why is that so hard to get? 

So no, I am not truly happy, but I guess the question really is - being honest, are any of us truly happy all the time?

PJ20

I’m not a person with an addictive personality, but seeing Pearl Jam live is like a drug, and I say that in all seriousness. Since 2009 I’ve been to 14 Pearl Jam shows, seven in Europe and two in the USA and five in Canada; and yes I have no doubt you’re thinking that’s mental and you’d be right! I’ve only seen them three times in the UK, and yep if you are a PJ fan reading this, I did turn down Shepherds Bush tickets – *tut* but I didn’t know then….and no, I didn’t go to the O2 gig, so yeah, I missed out on Footsteps! For those non PJ peeps, no they don’t play the same set each night!

Prior to taking this trip, I had spent hours considering, digesting, worrying and a bit more worrying, (yeah -  I worry a lot) about whether to go and generally driving my friends mad. I had also spent time in the days before flying out suddenly trying to arrange last minute trips for some friends to come out for the party. But now I was on my way....On the 1^st  September I took the night train to Heathrow to fly to the USA, my first time out of Europe, my first long haul flight and all on my own I arrived in Chicago, there to meet friends and  to go to PJ20. I waited for Yvi to join me at the airport, it felt odd to be in a country I recognised so much..but from the media!

Me and Yvi stayed in downtown Chicago, near the shuttle pick up to take us to the venue. On the day we arrived there was a pre-party up near the site, I was gutted to miss it, and latterly it seemed that being there meant you being ‘in the know’. Anyway, despite the tiredness, we ventured out to explore the Millennium Park in the centre of Chicago, met up with our Scottish friends and then succeeded in finding a Chicago theatre to enable copious photo opportunities for Yvi to recreate an Eddie Vedder poster!

The following day, after I managed to find a cashpoint to accept my card, we headed to the bus, picked up our wristbands, and felt part of the bubbling excitement.  We also came across a couple of lads from Ireland, who it turned out, would be a hilarious addition to the weekend. Alpine Valley is a music theatre in amongst a ski resort a couple of hours drive from Chicago in Wisconsin (or Michigan if you’ve a mis-printed hoodie like me).

We had ticket issues that had to be resolved which meant a lot of hanging around on that first day. Initially it was fun chatting to people, even when the rain began, there was a lot of laughter hiding behind a van drinking from random bottles – neat Pimms anyone? I had 10C tickets, so also got the goody pack with the Vault #1 release etc.

However, the enjoyment began to be lost on me when after hours of standing in the torrential rain I squelched when I moved and my jeans were so wet they were falling down with the weight of water. I could hear bands/acts playing that I wanted to see and yet I was standing outside the gates – this isn’t what I’d gone for! Others were tailgating in the car parks, a whole new concept to us Europeans, we just don’t do that over here, and sadly we missed out on that too. Finally with the tickets sorted, walking in was a godsend, though the merch stand for dry clothing and the 10 Club toilets were the most immediately welcomed thing!

Don’t worry, my smile began to return in dry clothes and I was lucky enough to go into the PJ20 museum whilst sheltering from the storm. Some of the stuff in there was amazing to see, it gave you a real sense of the journey of the band, it really was a collectors dream. In the poster expo, I was able to spend some time talking to the guys from Ames; they liked my accent apparently! Yvi fulfilled her poster addiction!

Venturing down to find our seats (after initially sitting in someone else’s – oops!) it was like a European representation in our row, and I was about to experience my first seated show. I have to say I liked the fact you could put merch under your seat, but it felt very alien to me, there was a sense of restriction. We watched Mudhoney (for the first time, fab), Queens of the Stone Age (ace) and The Strokes (hmmm not for me), before getting the shot of Pearl Jam we’d come for.

As Philip Glass began, I got that first sense of religious Pearl Jam ferver. Leading into the chords of Release (I love that song as an opener) Yvi was already in tears, and as I hugged her, the pent up frustration of the day ebbed away, as the realisation dawned of where we were. It was a solid main set; there was an odd flow but it still felt comforting in an exhilarating way. I loved In The Moonlight, and I got to hear some tracks such as SOLAT, Life Wasted, Help Help, Deep etc.

Ed seemed to have an ease with the crowd, the interaction was there, probably moreso than I'd seen before other than in Berlin. The encore was fast approaching and there had been rumour after rumour of who was going to appear. As Chris Cornell walked on stage, there was Temple of the Dog re-forming, in front of me.  It was special, it was happening and god did I grin. Then, track two of the ToTD reunion, was Stardog Champion, a Mother Love Bone track. I don’t think that had been played since Andy Wood died. I didn’t mind the time given over to Cornell on lead vocals, and the band definitely didn’t but I know it led to a few gripes among the purists.

Weary after a long but jubilant day, the bus journey back to Chicago was pretty harsh to be honest.

Morning of day 2, Yvi and I overslept, two girls getting ready in under 30 minutes has to be some sort of record! The bus driver thought it would be good to put a film on...it was an horrifically bad decision and the speakers caused a high pitch squeal for most of the journey which wasn’t appreciated!

Day 2 turned out to be the day I had wanted day 1 to be. In from the start, we managed to see all the acts, and it felt like a member of Pearl Jam played with them all! For me Ed and Glen Hansard, and Ed with John Doe were the stand out appearances. We got to spend time in the 10C area, amble around the site, chat to the poster artists (I was very chuffed that Brad Klausen liked my Eddie Vedder wave necklace!) and catch up with people we’d missed thus far. There seemed to be a buzz on day 2, that felt stronger than on day 1. At one point we were deciding what to do next, and turned around to see Mike McCready an arm’s length away just walking across the site (with minders lol!), stopping to chat to people, I said hi and Yvi was quick enough to get a photo. This band, let’s face it, they don’t have to mingle, they know they’ve a rabid following, but I felt it showed the connection to the fans and to the other acts on the bill that they kept popping up around the site.

There was a proper sense of community across the venue, so many smiles from so many nationalities. We had lawn tickets and it was obvious that many of the people around us weren’t used to GA! It was slightly awkward where we were standing, people didn’t seem to know what to do without seats. However, with Wash as an opener, Love Boat Captain, All Night, Jeremy,  Black, an improvised track, Liam Finn on Habit and Glen Hansard on Smile, plus more ToTD - I guess you just had to be there to see how much the band were enjoying themselves and just how infectious that was. Day 2 made Day 1 work, it tied together the sets.

It made me smile.

It’s odd, had I written this before I went to Canada there would’ve been mention of Rockin in the Free World, but Toronto blew this version away.

We were able to find time to sightsee in Chicago the day after the gigs, still on that high, we had lunch in the Chocolate Factory (*sigh* Big Bang Theory addiction) and saw the city from great heights. I’d like to go back and see more, I didn’t feel I had enough time to explore. After a tearful goodbye with Yvi, I  decided to go back and take photos at Millennium Park, ending the weekend where it had begun. I had wanted time to reflect before the next day moving onto Montreal. In fact what happened was I stumbled across a Soul Train party and ended up dancing with strangers in the dark! You know, as you do...

I am so pleased I went to PJ20. I have to admit, I didn’t have the emotional attachment to the gigs I thought I might have, but there was still that chemistry, that magic. Some people were never going to be happy, they were expecting things that were never going to happen; their hopes would have always been dashed even if the band had played until dawn (night 2 had a 33 song set, I reckon that's pretty good going when you've played throughout the day with other acts too!). 

I like to think I don’t go anywhere with an expectation, though I guess in the case of Pearl Jam shows, there is a certain level set. You’re always going to get those people, those purists, who want all rarities, or all songs from particular albums, I’m not one of those. I don’t need to be front row, listening to a song never played before to enjoy myself. For me, it's about connection, to the music, to the people around you, to the band. It's about feeling the sound in your chest cavity, and aching for it to continue.

I wouldn’t have been anywhere else - why did I worry?