Once upon a time, I could lose myself - pt 3

Well, well, well,  Manchester night 2.

A lot of people seemed worse for wear, the weather turned to rain and my dastardly cold was developing at a rate of knots. Bizarrely, I didn’t actually feel like going to the gig at all. I was subdued, tired, was thinking about various situations in my head and feeling progressively worse throughout the day. I also still had to find someone to take badges to Amsterdam – not as easy as you may think (but it was resolved thanks to a wonderful Greek family). 

Time in the pub before the gig seemed endless, I couldn’t garner enthusiasm for much at all really. I apologise to everyone for my grumpiness! 

Running through the heavy rain to the venue, the night didn’t bode well. Once in the arena and on to the floor we took the same spot as we did on night 1. For many attending, this was the last night of somewhat of a ‘mini tour’ what with these being the only PJ shows in UK (excluding IoW). The crowd immediately seemed more at ease than on night 1, maybe the first night eased any concerns and people were there to build on the previous night. 

Manchester night 2 was an amazing night. 

Whilst my lack of ability to breath very well stopped me jumping and bouncing as much as I wanted to, from the very beginning it was elating. I am sure everyone in that room could feel it, I could see the joyous expressions on people’s faces everywhere I looked. The set started by blasting into Go, Animal and Hail Hail...and kept on coming! 

The fourth song played was I Am Mine, a favourite song of mine, and one I have gone on about wanting to see (the remaining ones are Footsteps and Oceans). Let’s be honest,  I welled up and wibbled. Not quite to a Chloe Dancer/Crown of Thorns level melt down but I was heading down that road! 

Save You, Present Tense, Deep, Life Wasted (And Wasted Reprise) were all just insanely good. Then, the bloody band pull Hitchhiker out, for the first time ever, even if Eddie did fluff the words, I don’t care. I could actually just list the entire set, it was just ace. I can only use superlatives to describe it and the atmosphere that surrounded me. Somehow this gig felt like a club gig despite being in a huge arena. There was an intimacy to the show. The story behind Deep stood out, I’d wondered where those lyrics came from, so I found that really interesting. 

There in that gig my love for the band changed from comfy slippers to lustful desire. It made me happy, it made me emotional.

A friend said to me later, ‘that was my band on stage tonight’ – I think he was right, that was 'the' band on stage. They seemed more relaxed, more engaged with each other, and whilst they always engage with the crowd, they appeared not to have to work so hard to do it. I hope the bootleg picks up the feelings and captures the crowd, I’m not sure if it will be able to, it might be one of those gigs you had to be at. 

I am not saying that it ticked everyone’s boxes, there will be some who preferred night 1, or want different setlists from other albums or rarities, but I loved it. It was a whole experience for me as I was surrounded by great people. People who open their hearts with no expectation other than that of respect for one another. I can only repeat how lucky I feel to be included and spend time with them. You’re all bloody amazing, and I am pleased to have met you all.

I left that venue full of hope, elated at seeing so many happy people and damp from others peoples tears of joy. 

I didn’t get to spend time or even see all the people I’d hoped to over those couple of days, I’m sorry for that but there will be other times I am sure. 

Before this gig, I’d been talking to friends about what makes a Pearl Jam show for me, what makes them different, why I don’t queue or do the rail, why I prefer GA to seats...a different set each night and if you saw us during Alive or Yellow Ledbetter – that’s why! 


"Ooh, once upon a time I could control myself, yeah...
Once upon a time I could lose myself, yeah, yeah, yeah..."

Once upon a time, I could lose myself - pt 2

...And so the week continued.

Wednesday was Manchester night 1, I think almost everyone at the shows popped by the Wellington pub at some point, or at least it felt like it. There was a definite sense of excitement in the air, the mood had changed when ticket pick up began  and merchandise photos began appearing on phone screens. People were heading to and from the venue and it all became more real in a way.  It was great to be among friends, to feel part of something again. I have to admit and it was noticed by others that on occasion I felt kind of lost, it was me gathering my thoughts, piecing stuff together in my own head. 

Heading to the venue, in a group, and after the support band had finished, some of the concerns I had began to fade (and some concerns were proved valid). Managing to spot some others we’d not found earlier in the day we headed in and found a spot on Mike’s side by the sound desk. We could see the stage, the TV screens, and had plenty of room to move about. 

The subsequent reviews of this gig have been mixed, and I guess mine is a mixed review. There seemed to be an unease in the general atmosphere, maybe because this was the first night of the tour. I certainly saw the majority of people getting completely into the gig and then a minority of others not getting it at all. On the way out through what appeared to be a 20 mile long escape tunnel, people’s immediate review was positive, there were a few who wanted sets full of rarities which were never ever going to happen and a couple who had actually come to see X.

Our group made their own entertainment, there were lengths of time we didn’t look at the stage, just having good fun ourselves. It was a great solid setlist, I'll be honest wasn’t blown away and I heard nothing new but I was definitely not disappointed. I really enjoyed it and I was glad I was there, the time just seemed to vanish and the personal elements were great. I especially loved Eddie mentioning Cornwall, Pete whoever you are (see edit below), I owe you a drink for getting him to mention it! (He needs to come visit - 10C gig at the Eden Project anyone??)

I loved hearing Jeremy, it may be the ‘famous’ song but I still enjoy it, Come Back (for Paul – you got it!) reduced me to tears and my heart pounded as I leapt about to State of Love and Trust (still my favourite Pearl Jam song, I could hear it at every gig and not get bored of it). 

Immortality and Insignificance are always good to hear, Better Man was a circle forming speciality for us lot and they pulled Pilate out of the bag, plus a Rockin’ In The Free World finish.  There were lots of smiles, there was that live music rush and I felt a sense of belonging. I was smiling. 

What became apparent after the gig and the following day was how the gig was viewed differently by those seeing the band for the first time. Hearing them speak with such a sense of excitement and exhilaration made me realise that it probably wasn’t the gig that was mixed, it was my perception of the gig. I make a point of trying not to have expectations about things, about people and events, but in this case, maybe I did, and that was wrong of me...as those first time PJ gig attendees proved. Them recounting their night was great, it was so very special for them. It made me love it that bit more myself. 

A load of us headed back to the Travelodge for some post gig beverages. People seemed to have enjoyed themselves, though some people continued to enjoy themselves in the hotel bar longer than they really ought to have, especially with another gig the next day. My 3am bedtime was pretty respectful in the grand scheme of things! :)

 

And on to night 2....

Edit - just been informed by friends that Pete is part of the crew and thus Cornwall has been mentioned a few times at UK gigs in the past! Well this was my first time to hear it so I loved it ...and the offer of a drink still stands :)

Once upon a time, I could lose myself - pt 1

Well, what a week (well, two weeks if you include the ace Gaslight Anthem gig at Koko in Camden).

I’m lying on my bed, suffering from what surely can only be described as man flu. By the sounds of it, half of those in attendance at the Pearl Jam Manchester shows have the same cold, either we all got it from there or I’ve infected half the populous of the MCR Arena. 

So, on the 16^th June, my 33^rd birthday (and despite being told by someone I looked 37 – sob!), I caught a crowded train to Manchester. That night I was seeing Chris Cornell, the tickets were a birthday pressie from Dave – hurrah! Before the gig, there were a few drinkies partaken in the Lime Bar. I unexpectedly received more cards, drinks and presents (thank you all) but more importantly it was so lovely to see people, friends old and new.   

(Talking of new, my love of Twitter has led to new friendships, well I hope they see themselves as friends, so thank you to Jay, Ant and Janey for taking the time to come and celebrate the birthday of someone you’d never actually met before, it meant a lot to me. I'm sorry I didn't get to spend more time with you all but I hope it’s the first of many meetings between us). 

The Chris Cornell gig itself was amazing, the setlist was varied, he was warm and funny, his voice still seems so strong and if I am honest better suited now to that sort of environment than to the Soundgarden gigs I watched online recently. I enjoyed every minute of it (from my second row centre seat – sqweeee!). There were so many highlights but for me hearing ‘Seasons’ was the most perfect birthday present. Plus, gawddamn that man is still hawt!

The next couple of days were oddities in a way, fillers until the Tuesday when the Pearl Jam roadshow rolled into town. We managed to do some record shop searching (nothing purchased), football watching (no, I’m not drinking....oh, ok, go on then, I’ll have a strawberry and lime Kopparberg) and a trip to the Imperial War Museum North (a place I found really interesting and would recommend visiting). 

When Tuesday arrived, once I'd paid for early check in (£10 to check into a hotel you’ve booked – what’s that all about?!) and after poor Dave had to sit through me and Yvi purchasing lots of lovely new lingerie, the Pearl Jam madness began. 

Everyone knows how much I love this band, the music fills my soul and there seems to be songs for each moment of my life. However, I’ve been finding it hard to get excited about these gigs, any of them, the ones in Manchester, the ones yet to come. The buzz didn’t seem to be there, with me or amongst my friends. If there was any excitement it was about seeing each not about seeing the band, which was kind of sad in a way. 

It was like Pearl Jam and I had reached the comfy slippers and no makeup stage of our relationship. I wasn't sure at that point how the week would be, I wanted to be there, to see the band, to experience the highs I get from live music and I was worried I wouldn't get that. 

The Tuesday night meet up was well attended, and people came from far and wide. It didn’t have the party atmosphere that Dublin had in 2010, but it wasn’t Dublin, it wasn’t the 2010 tour, I wasn’t a newbie and there was an England match on the tele. It was nice, it was relaxed, and it was great to meet new people sharing a common interest. The badge giving began and it was a great ice breaker with people. The evening was not without incident and for me included an unplanned visit to Manchester Royal Infirmary by ambulance for a newly made friend – but all was well in the end. 

Post meet up drinks at the Travelodge bar was to round up this part of the week. That Travelodge was to become Pearl Jam fan central for the next few days.

The North is to South what the clock is to time...

It’s strange isn’t it, the way time passes? I’m going to sound like a right old woman now, but when I was kid, time lasted for ever, the school holidays went on almost endlessly. Yet now it goes by in a blink, and I used to laugh at people who said that.

So here we are in May, and I’ve no idea where the last few months have vanished to, but they’ve definitely gone.

I see Pearl Jam next month; it just seems to have appeared out of the blue…hence my lack of savings! (Yes, that is an eeek!)

June and July are fairly busy months, but I am looking forward to seeing friends, and meeting new people. Hopefully, people feel the same about seeing me! I'm looking after the Euro fan badge manufacture, and associated charity donations, and am organising some badges for a PJ collective on Twitter. 

With my waxing lyrical about music, and the distain some of my friends have for my musical choices I’ve been thinking about my musical influences and taste. I can’t pin point an exact switch that got me liking rock anf folk music from liking New Kids on the Block (oh yes I did like them, my bedroom walls were plastered in posters until I was about 11!). 

The one thing I can distinctly remember is a holiday in Spain. I was with my Aunt and cousin visiting his Dad in a village called Puente Mayorga in Andalusia for the summer holidays. I made friends with a girl from Scotland, she was a couple of years older than me, and despite the differences between us we seemed to get on really well. She was tall, skinny and pretty with a vivacious attitude for life, and basically one of those really cool girls I wouldn’t normally have approached! We spent so much time in her complex pool, trying to communicate with the local and ex-pat kids. She had loads of music with her; one album was the soundtrack to the film ‘Singles’ and I adored it.

As you do when you’re a kid and holiday, you vow to stay pals with those you met. In this case, we kept the promise and a few weeks later I had the maddest envelope arrive on the doorstep covered in music lyrics, jokes and messages to the postman! Inside this was a letter and a tape which had the Singles soundtrack on it and some dance music my friend had just discovered. That tape was played endlessly, and my tape collection seemed to grow as a response to it. Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Alice in Chains, Soundgarden Red Hot Chili Peppers all appeared.

Me and that girl from Scotland are still friends (I still have the tape too), and whilst she loves dance music and Facebook has replaced the mad envelopes, it goes to show how robust some friendships are, even when formed on holiday!

Music has always been there I guess. I remember my parents rewarding me with tapes and CDs for doing well at school, dancing in the kitchen to the radio whist making pancakes with friends, and me hearing cool kids talk about bands then me trying to find out more about them…that’s hard without the internet. My Nan paid for me to have Kerrang and NME magazines which helped.

When I went to college I found myself mixing with loads of new people, all with varying tastes, some of them played in bands, others just listened to stuff I’d never heard of before, it was great to be constantly discovering new artists and sounds. I also started frequenting The Pirate, a much missed live music venue in Falmouth. Music was the mainstay of my life, it gave me conversation, nights out and friends.

My Dad would hate to admit it, but he’s been a massive influence on my music tastes, and whilst we agree to disagree on some stuff, the grounding he gave me with his choices helped form my own. There were times when I lived away I would steal music from his collection, or listen to stuff I knew he had, it was a link to home and my family I guess. The more I listened, the more I liked and it evoked memories of car journeys and of Dad watching videos after the pub.

I associate music with memories, and not just special times, random ones of friends, family, boyfriends. I associate it with people and places.

I like what I like, I have no reason or structure to the decision making. If it makes me smile or provokes a good emotional/physical reaction, no matter the genre or the age of the song, then its ticking boxes. Music is timeless to some extent, providing you with links to your past and links to the future.

I Am Mine....

There have been so many things that I could have and wanted to blog about recently, but it would’ve been self indulgent whining and that’s not really fair. 

As I type this I am snuggled on my sofa in my PJ Canadian tour hoody thinking ahead to the summer. It will be the start of my 'summer' holidays, which for me, means gigs. I’ve never really been one to sit on a beach for two weeks. I love to see and do things when I visit places, and ‘touring’ as it were, has given me the opportunity to do this in recent years. 

At beginning of June there’s a short hop to London to see The Gaslight Anthem. I’ve liked this band for ages, but it’s only in the last 12 months or so I’ve found myself increasingly listening to them. Brian Fallon has a wonderful tone to his voice, and he’s pretty to look at too!  (Ooh yes indeed he's a skinny tattooed rock star man)

In mid June I head north toward Manchester. Chris Cornell at the Lowry is the first stop, the ticket is a kind birthday gift from a friend, and I really appreciate it. I have never seen him solo before and we’ve great seats, plus it seems like most of the audience are going to be fellow PJ fans. It all adds up to the likelihood of a good night (and a pretty good birthday celebration) in my book. 

I’m not quite sure what I will do in the intervening time before seeing PJ but it makes no sense to trek back home for 48 hours so I will have to amuse myself somehow/somewhere. The Dalai Lama is in Manchester for those intervening days, but only doing one public talk I think, I've read his book and found it interesting so it would be good to hear him speak.

There are two PJ shows at Manchester Arena and I’m looking forward to seeing some friends, meeting new people and feeling that ‘I’ve seen Pearl Jam’ sensation. Lets be honest I could wax lyrical about this, but there is little point as I will write about it after! There is one thing, I so wish I was going to the Isle of Wight festival, and I am pretty jealous of those who are. Despite my aversion to tents, on the whole it would be nice to do the festival thing, and I think the crowds there will be treated to some special collaborations. Mind you, if it is hammering down with rain, I will be glad of watching on the tele! 

The beginning of July heralds an Eden Session with Frank Turner as the headliner, and with Seth Lakeman and Bellowhead on the bill, you may think I am sqweeee-ing with delight, and you’d be right. Apart from..... I shall be in Berlin by the time he takes to the stage in St Austell, so those attending will have so sing loudly on my behalf! 

I am looking forward to returning to Berlin, I’ve visited the last couple of years now and always find it an interesting and vibrant place. Others travelling for the gigs haven’t been before so it will be interesting to see what they think of it, and if they have the same mistaken pre-conceptions. Staying on Alexanderplatz at least I’ll know where I am...just head for the tv tower. It's a shame the gigs aren't at Wuhlheide, that is a pretty special venue but I guess we've now the challenge of making the arena special too.

Stockholm, well what can I say, I’ve wanted to go there for ages, it's on the bucket list. I don’t know why but it always seemed quite magical. I am really excited about visiting and whilst I will not be there long I hope it will allow me time to experience the city. I may not however be experiencing much alcohol at the scary prices mooted.

Now, if I had written this last week as planned I would be saying there is an Eddie Vedder solo tour... But I am not entering for tickets, and I didn’t enter for tickets. I just wibbled like you wouldn’t believe after the deadline had passed for not doing so. My fab friends came to the rescue with a number of routes to take to get tickets, and one very kindly offered me his spare, so this princess shall go to the ball (in Manchester)! 
After all of this I will be beholden to my bank manager for the foreseeable future - eek.

As I alluded to at the beginning of this, I’ve had a little phase where I couldn’t see the wood for the trees. My tendency to worry and to self doubt had been once again been getting the better of me.  

On top of the EV spare offer and the fab early birthday gift, I have been reminded just how lovely people can be after receiving a surprise. It was in the form of a poster tube containing three art prints of Pearl Jam, which are great. As it made me smile, I thought again about how Pearl Jam fans really are some of the best people you can find. It is this and having such great friends close by, that makes me look forward seeing the wood. 

I know that I really need to stop letting people, or my perceptions of people’s actions get the better of me. Hey, if they want to behave in a certain manner then that’s up to them, karma is all encompassing. I am the only one who can prevent how they make me feel and I am lucky to have so much else in my life, I don’t need to fight for people’s acceptance. I just have to remember that!
Ahead of me are good things.

I know I was born, and I know I will die, the in between is mine. I am mine.

A Canadian Adventure...

I have to say, Canada has always been on my list of places I wanted to visit, more so than America really (mind you, if anyone wants to whisk me away to Seattle, New York or Boston then just shout, I have a passport and ESTA clearance!). Pearl Jam playing a Canadian tour directly after PJ20 kind of sealed the deal for me in going over. 

Flying from Chicago to Montreal, I was sat next to a Texan going on a shooting tour. He was older guy, a mountain of a man, who was happily telling me about the guns he had in the hold. It was the strangest conversation but should I expect anything less!

Montreal airport turned out unexpectedly to be a meeting point for me and a few other PJ fans, always a good thing. I immediately liked this place.

My room here was the funniest thing; a bathroom with a bed in it is possibly the best way to describe it! But it was self contained and clean! There were already various tales of lost luggage but everything of mine was present and correct when I arrived.

Montreal was great, an amazing city which I got to share with pretty awesome company. A merry band of a couple of Scots, an Aussie, an Englishman and various others amongst the party! I loved the mix of old and new, Europe and North America blended into a vibrant centre and I also didn’t feel so bad when even the Frenchman with us struggled to be understood!

The first night involved dinner with a couple friends at a restaurant, and included an invitation to sit in on the Pearl Jam radio phone in show the next day. This was to be a day where I played hairdresser and bleached a friends jet black hair to an interesting shade of orange before we picked up our tickets and headed for the pre party, my first of this tour.

The pre-party concept is a strange one, my experience of them in Europe is that because we have GA, they are held the night before and are generally merry (drunken) gatherings. Across the pond they were more structured and on the day of the gig, the structure is partially because of the link to the fundraising of Wishlist foundation, but they are equally jolly affairs and a great place to meet new people. 

As per the invitation from the previous evening, a couple of us headed across to a hotel to sit in on the radio show broadcast. It was great to see the show in full swing, to listen to the callers and scarily, speak on air!

I loved the Montreal show, the seats we had were great (especially as other people in the row didn’t show up) and my ticket buddy was passionate and hilarious (interpretive dancing to PJ will never seem the same again!). The band seemed to be enjoying themselves. It was certainly a brilliant way to kick off the Canadian tour and the rest of the crowd were smiling as much as me upon leaving the venue.

The last day in Montreal was spent exploring, chatting, relaxing and seeing a friend eat the most massive smoked meat sandwich anyone can ever imagine!

Toronto beckoned; we took the train in order to try and see more of the country, there were a lot of fields...and a lake I swear could be an ocean as I saw no land on the other side! In Toronto we were being joined by another Brit, a PJ friend who I bizarrely met through my liking of Band of Horses; she was to be my roomie for the next few shows. It also became apparent that whilst others had had luggage lost getting to Montreal, I had just left some of my stuff there before getting to Toronto. I really am rubbish sometimes! 

During an initial meander through the city, (trying to find the biggest bookshop in the world - which we failed to find on that attempt) I gathered that Toronto had a buzz about it. The buzz was a bit of an odd one, I put this down to the Toronto Film Festival happening, there seemed to be a lot of media ‘in the know’ types about.

PJ20, the Cameron Crowe documentary was being shown twice during this fim festival. I really wanted to go, but had no ticket to either screening. For us instead of the première, we headed to Niagara Falls. Niagara was somewhere I really wanted to go, I love waterfalls and rainbows but I have to say initially I was not enamoured. The area built up around them is, umm, tacky and in some parts desolate! The Falls themselves are indeed marvellous, I loved the Maid of the Mist and it was great to add some more friends into the mix who joined us whilst we were there. It was a pretty long day, but a good one.

Back in Toronto, show day approached and we ventured to the top of CN tower to see the city from above, it was really good to spend such relaxing time with great friends. From there another ace pre-party was calling and then, the first of the two Toronto shows...

OK, I could wax lyrical about this show, filling an entire page. For me, this was THE show or the shows, it was pure elation. Toronto 1 was not the longest of sets, not full of rarities, I was not front row.  It was just great, a set including the ‘Man’ trilogy amongst others and progressed, for me,  to hit immense status when I got to see Pearl Jam perform Mother Love Bone’s Chloe Dancer/Crown of Thorns and then an awesome version of Rockin in the Free World with Neil Young! The band were absolute loving it, you could feel their sense of joy.

I left that venue, feeling amazing, on a complete rush, still hyper hours later. To be honest thinking back about it has made me feel happy, as I type this, I’m grinning.

The fact music can produce such emotion it a pretty special thing, something that often gets forgotten about in our day to day lives and the current social obsession with instant gratification.

As I mentioned, the PJ20 film had two showings during the film festival. We chose Niagara over the premiere, and I had hoped to get tickets to the second showing but until the morning of the screening still had not managed it. Now, I had made it pretty clear how much I wanted to go, however I didn’t expect a friend to get up at stupid o clock in the morning, walk to the box office and manage to get three of us last minute tickets. That gesture meant a lot to me, it still does. So, I got to see the film, in Toronto, surrounded by PJ fans, oh and Eddie Vedder and Neil Young! That was kinda cool!

Toronto night 2 was another night of grinning, and a bit of crying (Light Years), it was a brilliant set, so many good songs and the atmosphere was great in that venue. It maintained the high of the previous night. I loved those Toronto shows so much. I got to see them with good people even if we were seated all over the place! Everyone seemed to have that same sense of happiness and joy after those shows.

I wish that I could have either of those nights again, in a GA crowd with all my PJ friends, you could pretty much give up on me there and then, I’d be done! I’d have had pretty much the highest high.

Our Scottish friends and others left us at this point, what an ace ending to their tours!

Another train took us to Ottawa, and to a sweet little B&B which was to be our home for the next couple of days. Ottawa, I have to say, underwhelmed me. I think being the capital I expected, well I’m not sure, but it seemed a very innate place. Everyone was lovely, but it was neither buzzing nor relaxing. Some of the architecture was very pretty, the parliamentary buildings felt like scaled versions of those in London and the tales of winter snow and ice were enamouring. It just felt like it needed an adrenalin shot.

The show was in a venue not designed for people travelling without a car, and getting there seemed like a triumph in itself! In order to give back to the Wishlist Foundation for all the pre-parties, I decided to buy a show poster and donate it to the raffle...which was then won by one of my friends, sods law! :D 

After the highs of the previous gigs, Ottawa had a lot to live up to, and whilst there is never a bad Pearl Jam gig, this one didn’t, for me at least, make the level set previously. The band tried hard to engage the crowd but it just didn’t seem to work at times. There were people in my row who hardly stood during the show and others who were quite blatantly checking emails and facebook. That’s a hell of an expensive night out to check your emails! Even Eddie seemed annoyed with elements of the crowd. However, there was a great dedication to the guys from Wishlist and the band as always put on a great set.

The bus back to town was awful, overcrowded and actually quite dangerous. I was relieved for us all to get off safely to be honest. It did put a dampener on the time I’d spent there.

After an early morning goodbye and thank you for being awesome to my roomie friend, I was on the way Hamilton. I wasn’t going to go to this gig, it was a late addition in the planning, but my ace film enabling mate was going and had a spare ticket! I am so pleased I went to the Hamilton gig, it perked me up after Ottawa, provided the perfect closure to my trip. The gig was great, the band seemed so ramped up and the people I met at the pre/post parties were truly awesome. I definitely made some good friends that night, whom I hope to meet again.

My somewhat weary self was ready to come home after seven gigs (including PJ20). I loved my first trip across the pond, it was great to see new surroundings, see shows in new places and experience new ways of doing things. If I was to name one of the places in Canada I visited that I’d like to return to, it would be Montreal.

The seated shows I did get used to but I still prefer GA, apart from the rest during the encores at the latter shows (I’m such an old woman!) and the anticipation and excitement of ticket collection. I never expected to win the lottery, and my 10C number is shockingly high, but to see fans crying when given tickets in first or second row was cool. That opportunity meant so much to them and that experience would stay with them. I have to be honest, I did miss the raucous nature of GA, I missed not being part of a collective during the gigs but I was very lucky to have great ticket buddies and to meet good people along the way.

I never expected a desire to see a band taking me on transatlantic flights, it hardly seems real that I went. Sometimes I look at the photos I took over there and have to remind myself it was me who took them. I want to go back to Canada, I would love to see the other coast, Vancouver etc, so it isn’t fully removed from my travel list but this trip did make me feel like I’d accomplished something. Life has a way of changing the path you think is laid out ahead, following that new path could take you to a place in your life you hadn’t thought you’d reach, in my case this trip was part of that.

A Question of Happiness...

A conversation last night with a friend has led me to thinking, this as you will know is not always a good thing. Despite my general aptitude to positivity, I am also naturally suspicious and maudlin. I’d not seen my friend in a while and our conversations reflected that. She kept asking me if I was happy, truly happy. I’m fine was not an appropriate answer apparently, nor was yes I’m happy... she persevered. 

The more she did, the more difficult it was to answer her. 

I am happy, I have an amazing and supportive family, friends who mean the world to me, I have a good job, I work with good people, I live in a great place and I think I am thoughtful and generally a good person. 

But there are always things in life that you’d improve and change. Confidence and fear are probably mine. I am insecure, it’s a deep rooted thing. Whilst I would love to blame that on my ex, I can’t, his behaviour just didn’t help the situation. I find myself seeking reassurance when often my instinct is right anyway. 

I’m comfortable that I am not the best girl, that I do not tick the normal boxes for blokes and nor do I live in an episode of Sex and the City or Friends. That's just life. My confidence levels vary daily, I'll be honest they vary throughout the day and I often over analyse things, I look for reason and excuses. I am very good at putting on a front of confidence though. I do like myself more than I used to (and to say that aloud is very strange) and I don’t feel the need to change me for other people to like or to accept that I am a human version of marmite.

I am often told off by those closest to me for putting other people first, I class it as treating others how I wish to be treated. A PJ friend the other day posted this phrase - Never allow someone to be your priority while you're just their option. This applies in so many situations, and maybe I should take heed. 

You know, deep down I  just want an easy life, no games, no dramas. I want to have fun, to smile, to know and spend time with good people, to love and to be loved. Why is that so hard to get? 

So no, I am not truly happy, but I guess the question really is - being honest, are any of us truly happy all the time?