A Question of Happiness...

A conversation last night with a friend has led me to thinking, this as you will know is not always a good thing. Despite my general aptitude to positivity, I am also naturally suspicious and maudlin. I’d not seen my friend in a while and our conversations reflected that. She kept asking me if I was happy, truly happy. I’m fine was not an appropriate answer apparently, nor was yes I’m happy... she persevered. 

The more she did, the more difficult it was to answer her. 

I am happy, I have an amazing and supportive family, friends who mean the world to me, I have a good job, I work with good people, I live in a great place and I think I am thoughtful and generally a good person. 

But there are always things in life that you’d improve and change. Confidence and fear are probably mine. I am insecure, it’s a deep rooted thing. Whilst I would love to blame that on my ex, I can’t, his behaviour just didn’t help the situation. I find myself seeking reassurance when often my instinct is right anyway. 

I’m comfortable that I am not the best girl, that I do not tick the normal boxes for blokes and nor do I live in an episode of Sex and the City or Friends. That's just life. My confidence levels vary daily, I'll be honest they vary throughout the day and I often over analyse things, I look for reason and excuses. I am very good at putting on a front of confidence though. I do like myself more than I used to (and to say that aloud is very strange) and I don’t feel the need to change me for other people to like or to accept that I am a human version of marmite.

I am often told off by those closest to me for putting other people first, I class it as treating others how I wish to be treated. A PJ friend the other day posted this phrase - Never allow someone to be your priority while you're just their option. This applies in so many situations, and maybe I should take heed. 

You know, deep down I  just want an easy life, no games, no dramas. I want to have fun, to smile, to know and spend time with good people, to love and to be loved. Why is that so hard to get? 

So no, I am not truly happy, but I guess the question really is - being honest, are any of us truly happy all the time?